RAMBLING MIND LEAVING MY KIDS BEHIND TO MY SHAME

Today’s brain dump has to do with a subject that has been bothering me since I embarked on this journey of rediscovery. It will not let me rest nor have I ever, or will I ever find peace until I come clean and release these bottled feelings. Here goes! For anyone that knows me or has followed me in the past, they know that I very seldom speak of my life in the time prior to my departing for Peru and my encounter with my soul mate there. It might seem to some that I only started my life at that point.

The reason that I kept, and still keep to this day, those memories of previous times, bottled up inside are that I never got over the shame and guilt of leaving my 3 children behind when I left. I felt like I abandoned them and my heart cried out even after leaving and starting a new life. At the very  core of my values at that time was commitment. My father had always insisted that we live with and deal with any and all situations that we created for ourselves in life. In a nutshell “you dug your hole, now you live in it”. I dearly loved my kids and it tore me to pieces to leave them. At the time I felt I had no choice.

Also at that time what might have seemed like self pity was more a reflection of the shame I felt in abandoning my principles by giving up and leaving. Was it better for them that I left? I am unsure, but I do know it was better for me. I never have forgiven myself for that. What kept me going was the unselfish support of my partner Deysi and the love and commitment continued by my mom and dad, to my children, up to the time of their passing.

They doted on them and made sure I was kept current on everything happening in those children’s life no matter where we were in the world. That was my only peace. Until the day they died my parents thought only of my children. There I have finally said it and hopefully shed a little light on who I am.