ANOTHER READER POST – IN CASE I LOSE FOCUS – 2021

To start off the New Year I am posting this offering from a loyal reader and faithful friend. This article reminds me of how I found Alberta upon return, after many years of living and working in milder climes. It takes me back to my experiences when we first arrived in Alberta after my retirement. It is meant to be a little tongue in cheek, however there is much truth in it also. Although you would not get Alberta residents to see it this way. As always the readers are, invariably, much better writers than myself and it is somehow embarrassing to have to post these masterpieces beside my humble offerings. Anyway enjoy it, and thank you T for this great story.

The Mrs. and I moved to Calgary this fall.  We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful.  We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!  The river has already begun to freeze, and it shimmers with the sun shining on its surface.  I can only imagine the beauty yet to come.

December 8 – 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 – We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did our driveway.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered the bottom of the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 – The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbour.

December 14 – Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and walk. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15 – 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16 – Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 – Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. even with the Blazer. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God! I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 – Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying.  Called the only hardware store, which is located 42 miles distance, to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March or April. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22 – Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 – Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago.  She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24 – 6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that plough, I’ll beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street…at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents…but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 – Merry f—ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn stuff tonight – snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by suggesting a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to feed her through a chipper.

December 26 – Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27 – Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.  He said I should be happy he was available.

December 28 – Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 – 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?  A guy could freeze to death or fall off the slippery roof before a cave-in.

December 30 – Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars!  Bob no longer talks to me.  The wife went home to her mother in Peru. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 – I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.  Thought about moving to Florida.

January 8 – Feel so good. I just love those little white pills these people in white smocks keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed ???

EDITOR’S NOTE: Now fully reminded of the reality, I take any vague thoughts of a return to my roots OFF of my plans, once again!