ONE LITTLE MISTAKE AND MY LIFE IS CHANGED FOREVER – 2002

I lay here in bed at 4 am letting my thoughts wander to times gone past and major events that happened to shape my life. I am pondering our years spent in Texas and trying to focus in on that time period. That in itself is a major task at my advanced age. Mostly my thoughts are random, and flit thru my mind as lightning flashes. Some I get hit with and I hold on to them. Others are a mere fleeting memory. Some, of you, might think JimboRed is on the brink of losing it. I say, however, “beware”, he still has potential for damage. Where before, I might have bitten back, once attacked, I can still give you a good “gumming” if provoked.

With that little rant out, my memory is of a world shaking event. One that I have no one to blame for except myself. Had I been able to control my impulses, I would not have made the mess which ruined my life. It all started when I had occasion to fly into Rome. I was on my way to southern Italy to meet with a pipe manufacturer. We were in ongoing discussions about a possible collaboration between our companies. There was no direct flight to their area, so instead, I flew in to Rome for a layover. This before taking a car, and driver, to our meeting, the following day.

I arrive at the airport in Rome, late one summer afternoon. Unlike most of my travels, this time I was not running thru an airport to catch a connecting flight. Rather, I was just in the crowd walking along an endless breezeway, from one part of the terminal to the baggage area. For once, I remember being mostly stress free. I was not cursing, insulting or otherwise abusing anyone or anything. I’m just kind of loping along, dragging a bag and contemplating a nice dinner and a bed. In many ways, being away from the office was sort of peaceful, sometimes.

As I said, I’m sauntering along thru this long and well lit tunnel, watching video advertisements flashing off the walls and ceiling. It was quite spectacular. I was in a tunnel with hundreds of people, and fascinated by the 360 degree display of high tech sales babble. All of a sudden the music changes. The whole tunnel is lit with one video blasting from the walls and ceiling. If I had been struck blind and deaf at this moment, I would have been far, far better off. However, there I was being bombarded by loud throbbing music and flashing purple, strobe lights. I believe, at this point, I was hypnotized!

Although, not being a conspiracy theorist, I look back and still see some underhand use of media mind control, surrounding my entrance to Italy. I cannot exactly put my finger on it, however………… The music is crashing, the lights are flashing and a silky noise is crooning a message. In a most seductive manner it is repeating “Blackberry is coming to rock your world”. I travel a few hundred feet more. By this time, I’m almost shrieking “where is the Blackberry?” The hype is growing, I’m starting to froth a bit around the mouth.

I holler out, “What is the Blackberry“? No longer walking, I’m standing transfixed on this video. I’m not the only one. I see two fools and an idiot also gazing at the ceiling. At the height of my frenzy, they start booming out questions. Things such as, “Do you love your family, do you want to be with them also, would you like to be entertained while away on travel, are you ready to get rid of the fax machine forever“? I am inwardly screaming out YES to each of their exhortations. And then that voice screams, “are you ready”? By this time I am about to wet my diaper, I am so excited. Everything goes black for an instant. Then………….!

What comes next are images of cool people holding hand held phones, no bigger than your palm, and speaking longingly into them. My soul screams, “I gotta have me one of these”. What I was looking at was possibly the world’s first smart phone! I had not finished my trip thru the airport and I was already addicted to this monster. I had an image of myself being “one cool dude”, leaning against the cognac bar and speaking, wisely, into my hand. A kind of combination Dick Tracy and James Bond. Everyone around me staring in admiration, full of envy and jealousy.

The only other, notable, achievements that week, were learning of two new tastes, currently unknown to my pallet. They both happened as a result of travelling to the very southeast corner of Italy. The first one happened just after a business lunch and before the afternoon laziness took over. We are sitting around the conference room when in walks a young person holding a tray full of miniature coffee cups. I mean these were tiny! Into each was poured a drop of what was called Caffe’. This I interpreted as Coffee.

Not wanting to be impolite, I just grabbed mine and “bolted” it into the deepest part of my stomach. In all of my experiences to date, I had never swallowed anything quite this shocking. Even the Peruvian Roccoto (perhaps the hottest pepper in the world) paled against this. Immediately, I felt flush, I started to vibrate, and my heart started too race. I then, felt like running a few quick laps around the conference table. What I failed to notice was the others, who were now piling heaps of sugar and a thick cream into a bigger cup, before adding the “drop” of caffe’ we were served.

I had just drank, probably something that started as an expresso, before some idiot decided to distill it about 4 more times. What it turned out to be was about one ounce of pure, undiluted caffeine. It had the color and texture of heavy oil. I think it was, at this point, where I finished my life quota of coffee. All in one tiny cup! I don’t remember, to this day, drinking much coffee for the remainder of my life.

The next experience followed a few minutes later and was not much less shocking. It just so happens that after drinking this evil concoction, caffe’. The purists would then rinse their caffe’ cup with about two ounces of something called grappa., It was swirled around and fired down on top of the caffe’, which was churning away in the pit of your stomach. We were told that each region of Italy has its own form of grappa. Of course the region we were in claimed to have the best. I thought “anything” to get the bitter taste of the Caffe’ from my soul.

Grappa or the Little Rinser as the locals would call it, is an amazing use of waste materials. It is made of the leftover, waste materials from the winemaking process. The mashed up skins, seeds, stems and pulp are steamed and boiled one more time, before being distilled into something resembling “white lightning”. The descriptions Moonshine or Porch Climber also come to mind. What comes out is a 120 proof alcohol that only fools would drink. Well I was one of them. Yup, down the hatch it went to join the caffe’ in the pit of my stomach. I thought someone had poked a red hot rod down my throat. Once the coughing and gagging stopped, I commented on how delicious it was. However, I politely refused a refill.

The rest of the meeting passed, with me sweating and vibrating, and the others wondering if I was “coming down” with something. Harsh, does not do this local caffe’ and it’s “rinser” justice. It was far beyond that. In any event the meetings were completed, without further trauma. Nor do I remember anything else, remarkable, happening in this part of southern Italy.

Business all finished, I headed for Houston. I could not wait to get back in the airport and watch the video about the instrument of my dreams. On the way out, I am again inundated with the same ad. Lights flashed, phones danced, and I was completely, 100% hooked on my new image. I could not wait to get home to tell someone. All of the way home, I could not get that image from my mind. The first person I meet at arrival is Ol’ Bubbaloo. I am bursting with enthusiasm. I can’t wait to tell her of my discovery. She “half listens”, all the while inspecting me for self inflicted travel damage. By now the caffe’ and grappa have worn off and I pass inspection.

Bubbaloo listened to my enthusiastic telling of my new discovery. She looks unimpressed, but politely inquires the price for this marvel. She also asks about where it would have any practical use. Scrambling around in my mind, I come up with, “well you could get in touch with me 24 hours a day, no matter where I am in the world.” I see her antennae go up. I have scored a point. She ponders it for a minute and says, “Anywhere? Anytime?” She then goes silent and I could smell her clutch burning. After a minute she pronounces her judgement. No more profound words have ever been spoken.

What she comes up with is, “nope I don’t see any practical use for something as silly as this”! And adds, “I’ll never pay that much money for such a useless invention”! Shortly after this prophetic pronouncement, she and the girls, each have one implanted into their ears. Where, I might add, they remain to this day. Like clockwork, they go in and have one removed and a new one implanted, shortly after each amazing breakthrough by their favorite manufacturer. It controls almost 100% of their functions. They even forgot the written language and now just send each other little pictures to express feelings and emotions. Geezus!

Bright and early on Monday morning, I’m in the office, waiting for the arrival of my boss. I cannot wait to tell him of my amazing discovery. He barely has time to get his first coffee, when I plunk my butt down in front of him. I’m close to bursting. We quickly cover the results of my meetings in Southern Italy, and soon get down to business. I’m still hyped up about this new technology I had been exposed too. I start in about what I saw and just how amazing it appeared to be. I’m getting up a full head of steam when Mikey, jumps in. Coincidently this fool had seen the same ad campaign while in Europe a week prior to me. All he needed was an idiot to “roll it out”, company wide.

He says, “can you imagine, I could get in touch with any of you, no matter where you are in the world and in any time zone!” Myself, I was too dumb to think of the practical application of his statement. If I could have stepped back and thought about it, I would have been better off to just hang myself in a tree. But the damage is now done. Ol’ JimboRed is now charged with making sure all of our top level people, including the full worldwide marketing team are provided with this new evil technology. like everything else, I ever did, I jump in with both feet.

I start by finding out everything I can about this little miracle. I soon discover that it is a Canadian company that has invented it. Now, I’m not saying we didn’t have portable, mobile phones at that time. What I am saying is that it appeared that we now might be able to have something that actually worked! Our soon to be discarded “flip top” phones provided marginal service, at the very best. They were frustratingly useless. What we were now offered was something that actually worked internationally. It also provide the capability to send and receive messages, something called e-mail, paging services, document transfers, and hands free use, if headphones and speakers were attached.

We had arrived, into the 20th century. You could hear the loud clatter, worldwide, as the flip tops hit the garbage cans. I was so proud of myself, when in reality, I should have just given myself a good ass kicking. I’m now in possession of my new phone. I’m showing it to everyone and demonstrating its capabilities. I can’t wait to go overseas to try it out. Well the time soon arrives and my butt is on a plane. Or series of them, I might say. I was destined for Mumbai, India by way of London, Dubai and points in between. At every opportunity I get, I pull out my little treasure and pretend I’m listening lovingly to someone on the other end.

Ok, fast forward about 36 hours. It’s 3:00am and I’m finally in a Hotel room, exhausted and completely jet lagged. I’m tossing and turning in my bed, when all of a sudden a loud screeching howl erupts from alongside my bed. It is as if a banshee has been unleashed into my room. My heart stops. At this moment my life changes forever. I realize it is my new instrument of evil that has given me such a rude awakening. I thrash around in the dark but finally get ahold of it, to put it out of its misery. For certain, I have woken up, the whole hotel, if not the 25 million inhabitants of the city. I groggily say hello………..

On the other end it is my boss. “Jimbo”, he says, “what are you doing?” What comes to mind is, “I’ve just flown 36 hours, with little sleep, into a hot smelly armpit of a city, and I’m just sitting here waiting for you to call.” My sarcasm is lost on Mikey. Rather he says, “that’s good. I’m so happy that I could get hold of you. Man these new phones work!” He then shouts, “do we ever have a shitstorm going on in Malaysia! You need to get up and get your ass there immediately! Jimbo are you packing yet?” Geezus I’m barely awake and very slowly, processing what he has just screamed at me. Full realization hits, and I now have an instant hate for this evil piece of high tech gadgetry.

fast forward again about 24 more hours and I have just flopped into bed once again, completely spent. In about 48 hours I have seen much of the world that I had no intention of ever seeing. Wouldn’t you know it! The evil little instrument, once again howls its cry for attention. Again, I lean over turn it on and tentatively say hello……?” This time it is Ol’ Bubbaloo. “Jimbo” she says, “where are you?” I’m in Malaysia, in the middle of the jungle. it’s 4:00 in the morning and I am beat?” “What are you doing there?” “You are supposed to be in India!” “If this is what you do on your travels, I’m not letting you go again!” “YOU HEAR ME?”

Well we all know there is no acceptable response to this. Her mind is already made up. I just quietly search in the dark for my gun, so I can put an end to my misery. My self image is already destroyed. With one move, I have put my destiny in the hands of others. I no longer feel as James Bond, rather I feel more like a ferret, sneaking around and hiding from this little piece of misery.

The point of this article is that with one small mistake, I now have something to focus all of my hate on. Had I just been in a different place at a different time, I would not have………. It might have taken years for the technology to catch up with me. I could have spent a few more years, incommunicado during business trips. Enjoying the relative peace, of people not being able to get in touch with me for days at a time. To this day, it is one of the worst mistakes in my life. 20 plus years, later I am still a slave to its evil descendants. Not a time goes by, when my cel phone rings, that a cold shudder doesn’t go down my back.

At this point of my life, there are a lot less calls made to my phone. About the most regular caller now is Koodo telling me how much my monthly bill is. However, this evil little instrument is with me 7/24, peering out at me from my pocket, nightstand, or golf cart. I know it is just waiting to spew out some bad news. Now if I am 30 minutes late after a game of golf, this thing howls out, “call Deysi, immediately!” “You are in so much trouble!” .