OUR CHRISTMAS 2022 – YOU HAD TO BE THERE TO BELIEVE IT!

Each year at this time, I try to post something related to the Christmas Season. I guess, as time passes, I am less fun to have around during this period. It seems like all of my pent up frustrations and stress, manifest themselves around this one event. In many ways it is too bad. In my earlier days, I was the embodiment of the traditional Canadian Christmas. I am now, seen to be, the image of the grinch. This Christmas pushed my spirits to new “lows”, as well as to new “highs”. Let me tell you about it.

The first omen of bad things happening, is during our afternoon drive, at the end of November, when our new car decides to come apart. Nothing makes me swear more than a broken car. Mainly, because I know nothing about them. If they run, I can drive it. If they break, I am hopeless. It happened about 75 km’s from home during a peaceful afternoon. Something called a cam phaser, comes loose and throws the lifter timing chain thru the valve cover. I don’t hear anything but when I go to look inside I see major volumes of engine oil, all over the place. My heart stops, I know this is not going to be good.

I buy a few quarts of oil and limp this car back into Courtenay and to the dealer. A covey of techies all look under the hood. After a lot of tooth sucking, exclamations and grunts of disbelief, they make a pronouncement. The gathered hoard, collectively, “had never seen anything like this in their lives”! Am I surprised? Well, NO. I expected something exactly like that. I’m asking, “how much to fix it?” One guy tells me that they are going to have to study it more deeply before giving me a price. Geezus! Now I’m really having a fit.

Two weeks and $5000.00 later I pick up my car. Luckily for us Ron and JMW had a spare car at the Finca, that we could use, while ours was in surgery. We finally, got our car out of the hospital, but I was so pissed, I couldn’t even look at it. I brought it home and parked it in a corner of the driveway. It then got a major “timeout” so it could think about breaking down on us again. It just kinda set there, sheepishly, until Ron came back and needed her car, once again. I didn’t even look at it, I was so upset. Already, you can see, I’m getting into the Christmas Spirit!

It all started at the end of November, Deysi was telling me to get the lawn sprinklers blown out, unpack the Christmas lights and install them while it was still reasonably mild. I, of course, was resisting her “encouragement” and telling her, it would be fine for a couple more weeks. After all, there was still autumn golf to play! I was just at the point of converting my crap summer game, into a crap fall game. Finally I relented and on the second last day of November, I carried that cursed compressor downstairs and blew the water out of the lines for the winter.

I couldn’t resist taking a dig at her, and pointing out that the weather was still fine. And that, obviously I would have had lots of time, to winterize the sprinklers and put out the Christmas lights, without her bullying. That task, now done, I get ready for some December golf. Then I see something white floating in the air. I knuckle my eyes, and think, “nah can’t be”! The next morning I wake to a stillness and calmness in my surroundings. I pop up to look out and decide whether or not to don shorts for the golf that day. What I see is like a punch to the nutsack. Everything is covered in about 10 inches of white snow.

I stumble back to my bed and flop down. Deysi, thinking I was ill, asks me if I am all right. I manage to gasp out the word “snow”. Realization hits her, and she lets out a loud, unsympathetic laugh. The cackling, cuts thru to my very soul. Her whole day, week, year has just been made. “Well”, she says, “looks like you will have lots of time to sort out the Christmas lights, now!” With that, and a la la la, she bounces up and gayly starts her day. I meanwhile, am paralyzed with self pity. Never before have we had snow at the end of November!

As is my usual procedure for snowfall, I let my anger slowly build while I wait for it to melt. After about two hours, I go out, grab a teaspoon size shovel from the garage and start “pecking” away at the snow. Of course all the way down the driveway I am cursing and fuming. It takes me about two hours to clear that wet, heavy white crap from my driveway. All this, so we can get our car out. You might ask, at this point, why I even need the driveway clean. Why not just stay home? Well let me explain.

Ron and JMW have now been the proud owners of the “Finca” (Peruvian country estate) for about 3 months. In this time, Ron has managed to allow illegals from the surrounding properties into her domain. It started with her feeding a few shells to one small squirrel. Well, the word spread. The land of “milk and honey” was to be found just over her “border fence”. Soon she had gathered a few more squirrels, a couple of hummingbirds, a covey of rabbits, 1000’s of birds, a mangy dog or two, 4 or 5 deer, three raccoons, a couple of rats and an occasional flea bitten cat.

Geezus, within the space of a couple of months she had a full blown “game park” in operation. “So, what does that have to do with you”, you might ask ? What it meant was, that in periods of time where Ron and JMW were back in Alberta, preparing for their final move, Ol’ Bubbaloo and I were tasked with managing the Finca. In addition too sitting on the veranda and gazing over the domain, while munching on bonbons, we were also responsible for weed picking, animal feeding, waste removal and now, snow shovelling. Yup, you guessed it, if I didn’t have enough on my own driveway, I now had theirs.

I could go thru, blow by blow of the next 15 days, but let it suffice to say, that it dumped 3 more loads of the white crap down. Seemed like I would just get one shovelled away, when another 8 inches would fall and cover my work. It was at that point, when we receive a call. Our granddaughter M was home from abroad for the holidays and would we care to meet up for a lunch. I ask Bubbaloo and she says, “hell yes, we’re going”! We meet up the road, near a snow covered beach to catch up on M’s travels.

For those of you that don’t remember, M was now fully grown (about 20 years old) and had chosen the life of a vagabond. She was/is completely happy, travelling the world like a “blue ass fly” and soaking up as many sights and cultures as she can. In the space of 2 or 3 short years, she had visited and snooped around, more countries than 95% of people will do in their whole lives. She reminded Bubbaloo and myself, of ourselves. The difference was that what it took us to do in 30 years, M crammed, a lot of it, into 3. She is indeed living the dream!

I must also interject a piece here about our grandson Benhameen. He graduated grade 12 this year. Because of the trauma inflicted on him by the Canadian School system, he has now decided, that he needs a period of recovery before pressing on with his educational pursuits. So, completely traumatized from his experience in school, he decided on a new course. Somehow he convinced his Dad, to let him move into their basement suite. I just can’t resist saying, “I think he convinced his Mom and she told his Dad, just how it was going to play out”. Anyway, Benhameen was soon ensconced in his own domain.

Then he secures his dream job. He lands one, selling skateboard equipment and skateboard clothing. Then to get himself up the ladder in his new career, he paints his hair blue and lets it grow wild like an untamed weed garden. Now he is set. Of course, it took him a couple of days before he ventured up to show his dad, his new look. Now all he needed, was to become the poster boy for his company’s brand.

He then has a great idea. He goes to a skateboard park with a girl friend and while showing off his skills, promptly breaks off his two front teeth. Finally he had arrived, and is quickly given a promotion in his work. Hell a few more dents and bruises and some strategically placed road rash, and he will be running the whole operation. Ol’ Benhameen is now truly happy. They saved his teeth, but his story is now one of family lore. The trauma that he put A and D2 through, as well as the rest of us, was well worth it, I guess.

So far the Christmas season is not starting out well. But back to the main story. We drive down to meet M, and learn of her travels. She loves Turkey (the country), but got kicked out when her tourist visa ran out. She then moved to a tourist Mecca in Bulgaria or Romania (or some such place) to wait before she could go back. Apparently living in eastern Europe in winter was much like living in Canada. She said it was cold. During her summer and fall she had made trips into Spain, to meet her Mom, Portugal, Italy, Sicily, Morocco, and points in between. She is truly radiant and happy. I am hoping she writes a little piece, for the blog, on her adventures.

Lunch, now done, we say our goodbyes and head back to our respective cars. While passing D2’s vehicle he says, “hey look at this”. he pops the back window and there lies, one monster of a snow blower. “How ja like that”, he asks. I tell him, “that is one great looking piece of equipment!” He responds, “well I’m glad you like it, it’s yours”! I don’t fully comprehend what he is saying and tell him, “nope you bought that for your place, you’re not giving it to me”. Again he says, “nope us kids bought it for you! We don’t want to deal with you having “the big one” in the driveway, shovelling snow.” I must say I was gob smacked!

D2 wrestles this behemoth out of his car and deposits it in the back of ours. I am in shock. Never in my wildest dreams did I see myself with a snow blower. I thought they were only meant for the lucky few. Armed with my new piece of high tech path clearing equipment we head home to prepare for the next storm. I must add here, that even though this miracle equipment was designed to relieve hardship and stress, I did worry about it. A lot! Things like; can I set it up, can I start it, am I strong enough to handle it, will I fall down and it gobbles me up and spits pieces of me all over our lawn, along with a million other things I could torture myself with.

One by one, I deal with my fears and insecurities. After a few hours, fooling around, I think I have it ready. Now to read the manual a few times. I am so nervous, I can’t sleep, waiting for a snowfall. I can honestly say that I hoped we would see no more snow this winter. So that, I would not have to test my mental and physical state against this monster, crouched in my garage. Sure enough, two days later I awake to 6 inches of fresh white crap. My heart is in my throat, I am so scared. Ol’ Bubbaloo kicks my ass out of bed and tells me to go clean the snow.

Truly, I’m in a state of zero confidence. I slink out to the garage, take a deep breath and hit the starter. RRRRROOOOOOAAAARRR, blasts out my machine. I turn it around and push the accelerator. With no word of a lie, I am at the bottom of our driveway in 5 seconds. I did not have time to think. I turn it around and with another growl, my machine has pulled me back to the top. Now I look back and see a 4 foot wide path of clear driveway. Amazing! It was at this point I learned a valuable lesson. Before starting, gauge which way the wind is blowing. I was covered in snow, thrown up into the air and blown straight back at me!

Long story, short. In the space of another 5 minutes, I had been down and up 2 more times and had 12 feet of driveway clear. This would have normally taken me 2 hours with my mini shovel. I can’t believe it. All of my thoughts of calamity are now gone and I am suddenly, master of the snow. I suddenly realize that I love this machine. Not as much as one of my children. But they now have, at least, a new step-brother in the family. I look skyward and scream out, “come on snow you bastard, I’m ready for you!”

Ok, so far I’m not really having that bad of a Christmas, but I’m still pissed that I have not been able to play golf since the last day of November. However, things are about to improve. Ange is getting ready to come see us for Christmas, Ron has lent us her 4 wheel drive Jeep to plow thru the snow, JMW is loading their possessions in Edmonton in preparation for their move to Vancouver Island. I have a small glimmer of happiness bubbling in my stomach, where generally I would have indigestion curdling. I think I have passed the hard stuff. “What in hell could go wrong now”?

It starts with Ange. The day before she is to drive up and spend Christmas with us, Victoria experiences a “hellacious” snow storm. To this point they have been snow free and very happy about it. Suddenly we have visions of her being stuck at home, unable to get thru the snow to come see us. After worrying it to death, I come up with a master plan. I will fire up Ron’s Jeep and plow my way thru the snow to go get her. She does not readily buy in to this idea. I don’t think she is wild about thinking of me perishing in a blizzard while on the way to get her.

Eventually, I wear her down and she agrees that if she can’t make it out of Victoria, and if the roads remain open, then I can come the 200 km’s to fetch her. Now she develops a plan. Accompanied by her boyfriend Programmer, she decides to go for a practise run. They will drive to the outskirts of the city to test travel conditions. Yup you guessed it, within 4 blocks of home she is stuck, solid, in a snowbank. They now have to enlist four passers-by to push her car back onto the street. She returns home and tells us, “that’s it, I’m not getting out of town!” Her mom is heartbroken.

The next day I start piling my winter survival gear into the Jeep, in preparation for my rescue mission. I’m kind of feeling like an aged super hero, about to set off into the Canadian north on a life and death mission. I’m just waiting for Ange to give me the signal, and I’m on my way. But hold it a minute, they now change plans. Ange’s friend now decides that he will accompany her half way, through the worst of the problem. He will then catch a ferry in Nanaimo, to return to his home in Vancouver. They think if they can get out of the city, the highways will be better.

And that is just how it went. The roads were partially clear and they made their way over “The Malahat” and into Nanaimo. End of saga? Nope not yet. Upon reaching Nanaimo, they find out that The Programmer’s ferry had been cancelled and travel to Vancouver was in doubt. Now Ange is stuck between leaving him there and continuing, or waiting and having to finish the rest of her journey at night. He steps up and says, “you just leave me here, I’ll deal with it! Get on the road to home while it’s still light out.” Reluctantly she does this and after a long day she arrives home. Her friend made a later ferry and got to Vancouver late that evening.

Now Ange is home, and one of our worries is gone. She is the spirit of Christmas and immediately lifts our mood. Now for Ron and JMW. After a long day of work, 4 days before Christmas, they have a U-Haul packed with all of their possessions and are ready to move to the island. We are so happy, we just can’t wait. Finally at about 8:00 pm, with the temperature at balmy -35 degrees C, they leave Edmonton. Why so late? My response, “who knows?” Anyway they are on the road. JMW is driving the U-Haul while Ron follows in their SUV. Mom is a bag of nerves. Me, I’m just my usual steely calm self.

They drive a few hours, until somewhere past Jasper, and find a place to sleep. Thank god, now maybe Bubbaloo and I will get some sleep. We are tracking their progress on an iPhone app and watching their every movement. Very early the next morning they are up and heading our way. The weather is still about -30 to -35 degrees C, but the road conditions are not terrible. A couple hours into their drive and deep into the Canadian Rockies, in the dead of winter, the U-Haul blows out a wheel bearing. Progress stops, while we make frantic calls to find out what has happened.

Where they broke down was on the Yellowhead Highway, about 1-1/2 hours from Clearwater, BC. Remote? You think? Now their U-Haul is not moveable, they have no cellphone coverage, it is cold as hell, and they can’t leave their possessions unguarded. Deysi and I are now truly catatonic. I’m starting to curse, which doesn’t seem to be helping! Ange is speaking with them constantly, keeping mom and I from getting them more stressed out with our anxiety. Luckily, both of them are cool headed. Ron has to go on ahead, and try to get some help with the truck.

Finally she gets in touch with U-Haul and is met with their usual stonewall approach to customer service. Only a Canadian will understand what I’m about to say. U-Haul had studied the same customer service playbook as Westjet or Air Canada. They go out of their way to be as unhelpful and unresponsive as they can possibly be. Hours pass while Ron is in contact with U-Haul. Eventually she realizes that they will offer little help. The agent, assigned to help them, decides her day is over and heads home. I am sure, without one thought, about leaving a customer in a life threatening situation.

Ron drives ahead and calls every towing company in the interior of BC. It is now two days before Christmas and no one is willing to help. JMW is in the U-Haul, without cel phone communication and not knowing where Ron is or what’s going on. Finally Ron is able to get one company in Clearwater, BC willing to help. A few hours later they go out and tow JMW and his broken U-Haul into town. Of course by now it is nightfall again and one more day is gone. Now JMW is faced with the task of unloading a fully packed moving truck into another. Luckily the towing company had one last truck that they could use.

Now it’s morning of the 23rd. And once again, luckily, two guys from the tow company agree to help JMW transfer their goods from one truck to another. This takes all morning and a good part of the afternoon. Had it been me, it would have taken me three days. At last they are ready to proceed. Of course the weather has now changed and a major blizzard forces the closing of the Coquihalla Pass. Their main artery home. Again their plans are thwarted by Canadian winter. Once more they have to hunker down for the night. Finally, at about 7:00pm on Christmas Eve they make it home. This, after a 72 hour ride from hell.

Maybe you can see where this is leading. Christmas Day is now truck unloading day. All our plans for a big family Christmas dinner are destroyed. D2’s Christmas Eve bash had to be cancelled. But like troopers, A and D2 now volunteer to move their Christmas Eve celebration to the day after Christmas. By this time I am an emotional wreck. The rest of the group are keeping me together! In the midst of this chaos, guests are now starting to arrive. Lil’ Sole has joined us, JMW’s dad “fireStarter” and his wife “the Runner” arrive Christmas Day from the eastern states. Not without their own traumas I might add.

Now, I worry about adding the extra people to D2 and A’s dinner. I call and tell about the extras. I am worried whether or not he will have enough food. His reply was, “Dad, we have enough food for 30!” Well, this may have been a large miscalculation. One arrival, I realize that they probably have enough for 60 people and would probably have leftovers even then. They could have fed their whole neighbourhood. What a glorious spread and so much fun. Finally, I am starting to relax.

At this point you might say, finally! Maybe this old fool has run out of trauma surrounding this Christmas. I would say, “just hold on a minute”. Two days after Christmas, JMW and his Dad (FireStarter) decide it would be a good idea to climb up on his roof, to see what they could see. JMW promptly slips off the ladder while climbing down. The next few hours we spend in the ECU while they try to untwist his back. He is one tough guy, but you could tell, he hurt like hell. I am now spent. I have jammed as much trauma into my old mind as it could possibly hold.

We then have a couple uneventful days, building up to a New Year’s family festival. The “first annual” family NEW YEAR party is to be held at the Finca and hosted by Ron and JMW. We arrive and the FireStarter has a huge bonfire going. It was glorious. He had spent all day gathering up bits and pieces of dead wood from around the property. He had it piled high with a 6 foot raging fire going. We ate, we drank, we talked and laughed. The food was marvellous! We spent a few relaxing hours around the fire.

the highlight of the evening came when JMW and the FireStarter lit a variety of fireworks, provided by D2 and A. They were spectacular! Their preliminary attempt shot in a variety of directions, one passing within a few feet of Ol’ Bubbaloo and her girls. I couldn’t help but think, how lucky JMW was that he didn’t hit his mother-in-law with one. We would have been right back at the ECU, but this time they wouldn’t have been able to untwist him.

So that, my friends is my Christmas rant for 2022. It may seem long, but believe me, I have only touched on the havoc. What excitement we had, what happiness, what danger, and what a way to end a very eventful year. The snow is gone and golf is underway. Everyone is gone home now, and somehow I feel a bit of apprehension. How in hell are we ever going to top this year. All I can say is stay tuned! Happy New Year 2023.